the new 'hood, via iphone
By that measure, I am a very, very patient person. I waited a long time to land a great first job. I waited a long time find the right house for my senior year of college. And I'm still waiting for the right significant other.
And yet, I find myself feeling particularly impatient with my adjustment to this new life of mine. The transition from old to new was swift and dramatic: one day I was unemployed and living at home in the woods with my parents and by the next week, I was working a 9-5 job in Manhattan and living in a walk-up apartment with 3 random roommates. I got the package deal: 3 major life changes, 1 low price (actually, one very high price- moving is expensive). A new job, new city, and a new living situation.
Almost every day that I've been here in New York, I've felt as if I am living out someone else's life. I've been wearing someone else's shoes while my own life just sits off to the side, waiting for me to return and resume it. But this life that feels so foreign is my life now. I just need to let myself adjust and grow into it, and that will take time. Perhaps a lot of time.
On the day before I left home for college in 2007, an older relative of mine gave my apprehensive self a wise piece of advice. She told me not to think of life in terms of losses and gains, but as an ever-expanding basket of experiences that you're constantly adding to. Everything that you've ever done is right there in your arms, she said. You lose nothing. This wasn't exactly a revolutionary thought, but it was just the shift in perspective that I needed in that moment. I've carried her words with me ever since.
Today, I took a walk in the park with a friend (and new neighbor) before work. We bought ridiculous chocolate brioche from a nearby bakery and meandered beneath the autumn-hued trees while eating our breakfast. Sun filtered through the leaves and cut through the fog that shrouded the riverbank below us. I was far too involved with my pastry and the conversation to pause and take a photo, but the image is in my head. Another item to add to my basket.
I love that metaphor, collecting items for your basket. Sometimes, things get buried in the basket (the past), while the current, new items flourish at the top (present). But it's all in there, and it all makes you who you are. Wow, I really love that.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking of how awesome you are as I read this post. There are some people in my life who've never lived outside of where they are born. I hear them often discuss how they want to move, but they never seem to go forth. I've been reading your blog for years now, and I've seen a person who reaches out and gets what she wants. Even though this new life might not feel like yours yet, you still put yourself out there, in new and different environments. I think that's pretty remarkable.
I think you've described the tumult and upheaval of this period in our lives so eloquently- whether it's changing cities, find a new job, heartbreak. These lines resonated with me in particular: "But this life that feels so foreign is my life now. I just need to let myself adjust and grow into it, and that will take time. Perhaps a lot of time."
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to think that things will be normal again in X amount of days, weeks, months. But as you said, our "normal" is constantly changing, and we adapt. We really do. And we learn.
I'm really looking forward to seeing where this next year takes you, Anna. (I feel like I sound like your mom, but I mean it!)
As Richard Kruspe from Rammstein said once in interview: New York is a city which gives me huge energy, I never stay, I always go somewhere, it is the city which changed my life...
ReplyDeletedude, i can't even imagine going through all the changes you've gone through within, oh, a week? i think you'll be fine though, as new york really is a place to start fresh as someone entirely different, or someone living someone else's life. people do it here all the time. just let it be and try to rebuild your identity as a new yorker while keeping all of the pieces of your old self, which won't be hard to do since you're a very authentic gal. keep on keepin' on.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and really liking it! So reflective...Patience to me is like a foreign...disease.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I recently got married, moved across the country and started a new job (at an environmental non-profit actually) so I totally understand that feeling of living a life that isn't your own. We've spent our whole two weeks in San Diego frantically searching for apartments, I think a bit of patience would help us settle down and enjoy the new beautiful city we're living in!
ReplyDeleteCool! just stumbled upon your blog. .really enjoyed reading it.
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